Stop Should-ing All Over Yourself!
Alright so I’m not actually this clever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got some good therapeutic one liners and I’ve been known to make even the broodiest of teenagers laugh (I know…I’m a unicorn), but I can’t take credit for this one!
So what is Should-ing you ask? Well besides being a fabulous double entendre, it’s the idea that we get bogged down by all of the “shoulds” of our belief systems that don’t align with the life we wish to lead. Let me give you a glimpse into my own should-ing during the COVID chaos:
- “I SHOULD be working out every day”
- “I SHOULD be more productive”
- “I SHOULD feel relaxed”
- “I SHOULD be sleeping better”
- “I SHOULD be GREATFUL about my situation and not be fearful or anxious”
And let’s not pretend that I don’t have 50 more “shoulds” going through my head…this is only during a quarantine. The amount of shoulds that dominate my everyday narrative are overwhelming, to say the least. I’ve done so much work on my shoulds, in my own personal therapy, that my own therapist has developed her own very specific facial expression whenever I backslide a bit. Let’s just say if her eyebrows could kill….
If you’re wondering, “What the hell is this girl going on about?” let me explain…
I’m what you would call a Postmodern Narrative Therapist. So in a nutshell, that means: I love social justice, societal and familial messaging, our narratives as humans and intersectional identity work! But beneath that I believe that we can experience things like anxiety and depression, among others, when we exist in a process that doesn’t match up with the way we wish to live, if we even know what that is in this crazy thing called life.
Throughout our lives we collect these shoulds, like coins in Super Mario Bros. One coin for how we should be as a child, three for how we should be according to our gender, 8 for how we should be according to our ethnicity and race…yknow what? Go ahead and add 10 more if you identify as LGBQTIA+, there’s an oceanful of shoulds in there as well.
So collect your shoulds...I’ll wait!
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No really…think about it!
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Now with all of the shoulds you fill your life’s cup with…how many of these do you actually want to see through? Do you NEED to be the straight A student pulling all nighters? Do you NEED to be the “perfect” representation of your gender? Do you NEED to act a certain way to prove your belonging to any one group?
That part of the journey is up to you…
But if you find that some of the shoulds, in your cup, make you feel LESS of a person? It may be time to take a look at your life’s cup. Because what these shoulds end up doing, if they don’t belong on your journey, is make you question your identity, your behavior, your mental health, your sense of belonging…and as humans all we can ask is to belong to SOMETHING!
My journey with my shoulds has been messy. Messy but worth it. I’ve struggled with my identity as a Black wom(x)n, my role as a daugther, as a student, as a leader, as a THERAPIST. But the glory in this journey came from the realization that I have absolute control over my shoulds. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to fit a mold, I am ME. Over time I have flipped my “SHOULDS” to “WANTS”:
“I WANT to move my body at least once per day”
“I WANT to take one day a week to dedicate to professional growth”
“I WANT to be more conscious about how often I reach out to people” (I become a hermit VERY fast!)
“I WANT to allow myself to feel all of the things I’m supposed to right now”
I guess what I’m hoping to get across, is that our lives are unique and beautiful messes, to be discovered one SHOULD at a time. That our journeys in and out of the shoulds will help us to become more authentic and happy human beings. That even if you struggle with your own shoulds, that the struggle in itself is knowledge to guide you along your path!
So with all of that being said, be kind to yourself, give yourself the grace and space to discover who YOU want to be…and PLEASE for the love of whoever you believe in…
STOP SHOULD-ING ALL OVER YOURSELF!
